[N.B: This blog post refers to ALL genders but is written from a woman’s perspective.]
17/03/2021
-
Objectification: ‘The act of treating a person as an object or a thing.’ ‘It is part of dehumanization, the act of disavowing the humanity of others.’
The Subconscious: The part of the mind not current in focal awareness. Can relate to instinctive actions or culturally embedded norms.
Getting into a relationship can often be a rush of emotions, exciting, whirling thoughts, paranoia, and a flurry of nervous beating hearts. Especially if it’s your first relationship or following a tough breakup. From personal experience, part of this excited nervousness comes from being concerned about my physical appearance and how my partner perceives this. Of course, having an appreciation of your partner’s figure is natural and acceptable. Your partner might also make a few jokes veering on the edges of objectification, which, you know are simply joking statements.
But when does this go too far?
I’m not going to claim I’m a relationship guru, and I know everyone has their individual preferences within their relationships. What I’d rather explore, is: is objectification embedded within relationship culture as a subconscious, instinctive process and how this impacts the wellbeing of those being objectified.
Out of curiosity I decided to start my exploration into this through an Instagram poll, simply asking ‘Is objectification embedded into relationship culture?’ and giving two direct options: yes, or no, with little avenue to centre somewhere in the middle. Out of the answers I received over 24 hours, more than 80% of answers were yes. Admittedly, had I given a middle ground or explained exactly what I saw by ‘objectification’, perhaps more people would have opted into answering. However, this does show that, if I took my responses to be universal, roughly 4 in every 5 people would agree to the presence of what they believed to be some form of objectification within a relationship.
Having gotten these results, I became even more curious at what people thought, so I then headed to my university Facebook poll page to ask a similar question: “Does objectification have the possibility of influencing relationship behaviour?” This time, giving them an option to comment on their response and, this time, opt for a middle ground. Much like Instagram, over 80% of people selected straight Yes.
I think the biggest thing these two polls showed, is that it’s a topic that isn’t brought up enough within society, but the possibility of objectification existing within 21st Century relationships is something inherently evident.
So what’s the verdict from this?
There isn’t one straight answer, unfortunately. The constitution of a relationship, and the act of ‘objectification’ is subjective. One gender may have greater experience than others of objectification, in the same way one culture might determine something as objectifying whereas another does not. With that in mind, I’ll give my opinion based on my experiences as a young woman from the UK.
From both the polls and my own thoughts, one idea that seemed to crop up more frequently was the placement (whether accidental or purposeful) of one partner onto a pedestal, clouded by the perception of who they wish this individual to be rather than who they might really be. This reminds me a little of Hardy’s creation of Tess D’Urberville and Angel’s relationship – Angel saw Tess as a perfect milkmaid goddess, to the extent that the revelation she was not ‘pure’ and ‘perfect’ saw their marriage crumble. Stepping away from 20th century literature, Tess’ emotions surrounding this objectification can be relayed back to a 21st Century relationship situation.
In a 21st century Western society, to be ‘a woman’ means so much more than being someone’s husband and looking pretty. Women run business, are Olympic athletes, mathematicians, scientists, artists, teachers…society rides off mottos that ‘it’s never too late to start’ and ‘we can do anything if we try’, regardless of our gender. We get riled up, yearning for adventure wherever we can find it, gathering everything we can to start this new, wonderful step into life…
And then we hit a pedestal. Someone has thought it perfectly justifiable to lift us up and place us there without permission, stopping our desperate rush to explore the world and our selves in all its wonder. They call it protection, but we cannot see their pedestal and you begin to think they cannot see the weapons you have stashed ready for your solo pursuit of life. Slowly, you become an object, a ‘thing’ to be marvelled at. You begin to delve into that very role, feeling weak, vulnerable, asking more for support until that very journey you began on has been swept out under your feet and promptly deposited in the murkiest depths of your mind.
And with that, comes the depression, the anxiety, the horrifying realisation that the one you thought you loved doesn’t see you as an intelligent, explorative, strong individual but instead, a pretty picture, an object, a ‘thing’ that belongs to them. You begin to feel that even though everyone has to look up at you on this pedestal, there’s a hidden platform somewhere in the clouds where they are looking down on you too.
This is evidently an extreme example drawn from the depths of my rant worthy anger. However, in my opinion, accidental objectification is far more frequent and can often be far more damaging. It’s that realisation that your partner is subconsciously objectifying you, whether through language choices, or expressions to certain clothing options, or constant requests for photos or selfies and getting heavily upset when you express how tired or self-conscious you’re feeling that day. For me, in one instance of this, I knew this was accidental. I knew they did not realise. And it made me feel as if I couldn’t tell them honestly, because if I ever did suggest it, they’d get upset. So the more I complied to the situation, the more stressed I got and the more insistent I was becoming that I needed an escape.
This ‘accidental’ objectification, this placement onto a pedestal broke my relationship to pieces – I let it build so fiercely within my mind that it all burst out over one moment and I shattered the bond in the worst way I could have. They never forgave me, but then again, they still do not realise the real reason I abruptly ended our relationship over dinner.
With another individual, I was cheated on. This has meant now; I have been scared from committing to a relationship for fear that I will experience the same objectification as before. If I ever do attempt to form one, one hint of a similar nickname or a comment that hauls me back to my past, and I panic, and I run.
I do not wish to scare any of you from committing to a relationship as I know I have most likely just been unlucky with finding a partner that I truly will dedicate myself to. But I hope this has drawn out some thought and something some may be able to relate to when considering romantic interactions. With this being said, I will leave you with some advice.
1. TALK: If you’ve become overwhelmed with concern that your partner is objectifying you, TALK to them. Honesty is a huge part of relationships and if you cannot splurge out your fears in a lump of a rant without them throwing a childish tantrum, then are they really the right person for you?
2. CHECK: Check your language. Talk with your partner to make sure they’re comfortable with any nicknames you use, or any comments you make BEFORE you even think about using them. Remember, especially if it’s their first relationship, not everyone will be vocal about what they like and don’t.
3. TEACH: If you see someone objectifying another, whether within a relationship or just on a daily stroll down the street, don’t stay silent. That objectified individual will most likely feel horrible and begin to try and change how they are perceived. [n.b.: please don’t engage in fighting…]
That’s three things. TALK. CHECK. TEACH.
Comments